I Do
by Pamluvzu2
Summary: Grantaire sees his life as a never ending bout of depression and sadness but maybe, just maybe, theres someone out there who can change his mind. E/R TW for suicidal thoughts/actions


As I lay there in my cold lumpy bed staring up at the cracked ceiling with its peeling paint and its spots where nicotine had stained it I wish nothing more than for everything to just stop. I wish for my alcoholism to end but I know that I could never accomplish that while I was still breathing. I want Enjolras to notice that I do believe in something, that I believe in him. But again that will never happen while I'm alive. That's why as I stare into the void of my depression as it deepens and darkens that I realize that I could end it. Right here, right now. With just the blade that I have in my bedside table I could end my life and ridden Enjolras of an unnecessary burden that only distracts him from changing this hell that we call the world. I remember how just this afternoon he had said, "You don't believe in anything!" and how I wanted to yell back that I believe in him. But I couldn't get it out before he forced me out of the cafe while calling me worthless and useless to him. Not the cause, him. I know he didn't mean to make me think like this. I know that he would never wish harm to any of us in Les Amis. But, he had hit something deep with those words. Suppressed memories that I wish to forget all bubbled to the surface and now here I am. With a rusty old blade in my hand trying to decide if I shall actually do it. Then a memory hits me full force. One of my father.

He was on top of my mother with his hands pressed to her throat. I could hear her trying to cry out for help. She was slowly dying and I was just stuck here, watching my poor, kind mother have the life sucked out of her because I was too much of a coward to move from where I was crying in the corner to help her. After my mother had stilled and my father had released her I realized that all hope was gone and my mother was gone for good. Then he turned to me with nothing but pure rage in his eyes and said, "You're worthless you know that! You didn't even try to help your poor mother! If you couldn't help her, then how are you going to help yourself?" Before I could even make out what he meant he had his hands clenched around my throat slowly tightening. I yelled as loud as I could with such little air. He struck me across the face and tightened his grasp. Just as my world went black I heard my father whisper, "Useless, worthless boy.." The next time I woke up I was in the hospital and I was told that my father had been arrested and sentenced to life in prison and well, I knew what happened to my mother.

As I snap out of my memory I realize I'm sobbing uncontrollably and the hand with the razor in it is shaking madly. I brought the razor down to my skin over and over again lightly. Then I start to go over them. Making them deeper, and deeper, until I can't feel my arm anymore and there's a pool of blood surrounding me. I start to think about Enjolras, and his god like figure with perfect golden hair and shimmering blue eyes that have the most beautiful fire behind them when he gives his speeches that seem like they were written by the gods. As my world goes dark and I feel the last ounce of life leave I hear Enjolras calling my name. I smile knowing that the last thing I will hear is his voice and as I take my final breath I feel his hands on my face and a tear hit my cheek.

I wake up and I begin to cry. I can't even kill myself properly! I'm that much of a failure! The nurse come running in at the sound of my sobs and looks overjoyed, why are they so happy? I failed again and they're happy about it? I keep sobbing trying to curl into a ball and see if I disappear but the wires keep getting in my way. I try to rip out the wires but the nurse come in and stop me. "Thank goodness your awake!" I glare at the nurse without speaking. "You were out for weeks! We were thinking you would never wake up!" Weeks? I was out that long? "Why am I alive?" She looks at me with what can only be described as pity which makes me glare at her I'm sure I look like I'm plotting her death. Hey, who said I'm not? "Your partner brought you." I'm very confused but I'm too tired to deal with it. As I lay my head back down to go back to sleep I hear the door slam open, I look over and see Enjolras standing there with a sad expression. I close my eyes and pretend to be asleep hoping he didn't notice I was awake. "Hey Grantaire.." He says with only sadness evident in his voice. He's never called me that before. Just that drunken cynic, but never Grantaire. "How are you?" I don't answer and he says, "God this is stupid. I come here every day just to speak to someone I know won't respond." I hear his voice thick with tears as he continues. "I come every day you know that..Every day I come here and hold your hand as if it would take away the things I said to you that caused all of this..Just remember..I don't think you're a waste of space." I think I should 'wake up' now. I open my eyes wincing as I see the tears streaking down his face as he sobs silently. In a soft voice slurred a bit from sleep I call out to him. "Enjolras?" He looks up to me with shock and happiness. "Are you okay?" He rushes to my side and grabs my hand. "Yes I'm fine! I should be asking you that. I'm not the one in the hospital bed." I sigh and look him in the eyes. "Don't feel bad for me I'm the one that put myself here." He looks at me sternly. "Yes but I'm the one that caused it." He says as a few more tears fall from the corner of his eye. I wipe them away gently and he continues. "I'm an awful person. I harmed you so much. I knew my words could raise an army but I never stopped to think that they could also take a life. Eponine told me about how you've tried to do this before. Then slapped me." He laughs dryly. I stay silent and stare up at his face that's still wet with tears. "I deserved it though. After all the harm I've done I deserve more than a slap..I deserve to die." I open my mouth to respond but he cuts me off. "But, I won't. I have to stay here, to protect you." He leans down and kisses my cheek. I'm startled by the amount of affection he's showing towards me. He was always rude to me, never once showing any signs of even wanting to be my friend.

I stare at him wide-eyed, startled by his kindness. He looks down at me and says softly, "Forgive me?" I look at him teary eyed and say, "Of course I forgive you. But, can you forgive me?" He takes my hand gently. "Why would I have to forgive you? I'm the one that was so cruel to you all these years." I take a deep breath. "Can you forgive me for being so drunk, cynical, and depressed all these years. And can you forgive me for this," I gesture towards the hospital bed. "I caused you so much unnecessary trouble. " He opens his mouth to protest but I carry on anyways, "The time you wasted on me could have been used to plan protests and revolutions. At least spend your time on things that actually deserve it." He looks at me a bit shocked. "Why would you not deserve my time? And how long have you been thinking about this because all of this seems almost rehearsed." I sink into my bed avoiding his eyes. "My whole life I've thought like this Enjolras. I was raised to be a waste of time and space. So stop wasting your time on a drunken cynic and live your life." He grabs both sides of my face and turns me towards him. I open my mouth to question this when his lips crash onto mine. I make a startled noise in the back of my throat but kiss back. It's over too soon and I just stare at him with wide eyes. "You are not a waste of space or time. It is a privilege to spend my time with you and I-" He stops himself from continuing. I cock my head in confusion and he pales a bit. "I..I Love you." He says quietly. I stare at him in utter shock. How could a Greek god like him love a man like me? It defies all logic. "How-Why?" He looks at me confused. "Why..Why do you love me? How could you love me?" He sighs, "You need to stop thinking so low of yourself..Why would I not love you Grantaire? Don't answer that because I know you have a million reasons and I disagree with every one of them even though I have no doubt I'm the one that said them to you." "But why do you love me?" He looks at his hand that is intertwined with mine and says quietly,"I always have deep down. I just..couldn't deal with my emotions so I put them off, ignored them. Since the first day I met you I've been doing this. But when I saw you, almost dead the other week, I knew I couldn't ignore them any longer. I really love you Grantaire. I just hope there's a chance of you loving me too after all of this." I squeeze his hand. "Well, you never know." He smiles at me and I bite my lip as I think about actually telling him about the love I've had for him for years. "What are you thinking about?" He says when the silence has run a little too long, "It's not important." He squeezes my hand and smiles at me slightly. "If you were going to say it, it must be important." "No..It's really not Enjolras. Just me being stupid." I respond quickly, hoping he doesn't hear my desperation. "Whatever you say.." He sounds genuinely concerned, as if he was actually interested in what i had to say.

After a few seconds of awkward silence he says, "I really do love you, you know. I wish I had told you sooner."

I smile at him sadly, "Even if you had it would not of prevented this. I would still be depressed and you would still get angry with me and yell. That's just how we are."

"I know but I can't help but thinking that maybe if I had told you I would have been able to take the blade out of your hands. Or at least been brave enough to apologize."

I sigh and look him in the eyes, "Nothing could have stopped me and you know that Enjolras. I've always been like this, and I probably always will." I said sadly wishing it was possible to just wish away the thoughts clouding my already dark mind, plagued with sadness and hatred of not only myself but the world that we all live in.

"I know that. I just wish it wouldn't have happened.." I sigh quietly and look down at the bed with tears forming in the corners of my eyes.

"Me too. I'm fucking tired of feeling like this ya know? Like at the smallest touch I might shatter in to a million pieces. Some people may try to out me together but each time I lose more pieces. It's a horrible feeling. Never being complete, never feeling like a real human being instead just feeling like a shadow of one and never knowing why."I sigh and look up at him for the first time in several minutes only to see him looking back at me with tears in his eyes. I look away guiltily and bite my lip. "Sorry that probably made you uncomfortable."

He shakes his head and wipes a tear from his face,"No it's fine I just never knew you felt like that. Now I sort of feel like shit for yelling at you all those times." He looks down and wipes another stray tear from his face.

"Enj you don't have to feel guilty. You didn't know and I never talked it so you had no way of knowing. Plus I egged you on remember?" I say with wry smile.

"Yes but that still gave me no right to say those things to you! I hurt you Grantaire, I never wanted to cause you pain." He said in a choked up voice full of hurt and sadness.

"Yes, it's true. Sometimes your words hurt me more than anyone can understand but I forgive you. I know you didn't mean it. That you were only saying those things in the heat of the moment. Unless you did mean them then I'd tell you to go fuck off."

"Of course I didn't mean them. I would never intentionally hurt you Grantaire. I love you more than you can imagine." He said with a sniffle as I looked on in surprise.

Instead of replying I gently took his hand and kissed it. He looked at me in shock but then smiled slightly and squeezed my hand lightly then wiped the tears from his face.

"I love you too Enjolras."

~*fast forward 3 years*~

I stand there staring down at my tie in frustation as I try to tie it for the fifth time in the past 15 minutes, yet another unsucessful attempt. "Ponineee help me." She sighs deeply and walks over to me. She grabs the tie from my slightly shaking hands and ties it with simple quick motions.

"Youre so lucky that Enjolras will be able to do this for you soon enough so I wont have to drive down here everytime you have a damn job interview." At the mention of my soon-to-be-husband I smile as wider than is most likely humanly possible and Eponine smiles slightly. "I am so happy for you Grantaire.." She starts to tear up and I hug her as tight as I can.

"Awe 'Ponine dont cry.." I hug her tighter and she burries her head in my shoulder. I can feel her smile and I smile more. "Come on 'Ponine we have a wedding to attend."

We walk quickly to the arch and she stands at my side wincing slightly at my tight grip on her hand as I shift nervously. I hear the beginnings of the wedding march and I look up. First I see all of our friends walking slowly down the aisle then I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and reopen my eyes and I see him.

As I stand there under the beautiful arch staring at my angel slowly walking towards me, tears of happiness in his eyes and a wide smile on his face without an imperfection in sight I wish nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him. My alchoholism ended. Enjolras realized that I believe in him. And it all happened because I survived. Now theres only two words I have to say to make sure that all memories will be happy and he will always be at my side.

"I do."

~The end~


End file.
